Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
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me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear