Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
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“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
You can’t outrun your problems…
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.