I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
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To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.