MAGICIAN: think of a card!
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence
chicks dig when you visit them in jail
You Might Also Like
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“Not you as well”.
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Guy at the gym had “True Gentleman” tattooed on his arm. I was about to make fun of him, but he held the door for me as I left. Great guy.
boomers: video games teach kids that dying has no consequence, you can’t respawn in real life ya know
boomers 20 years ago: shut up and watch this coyote die repeatedly while attempting murder
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.