Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

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My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.


I always have a note in my pocket that says “john did it” just in case I’m murdered because I don’t want him to remarry #truelove #tips


Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail


At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.


me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up


FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool


[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.


You think Japanese teenagers are shocked the first time they see a real live naked woman & it’s not all pixelated looking down there?


I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”

Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.