@slimmy_shady

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

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@BoomBoomBetty

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

@chrissyteigen

I always have a note in my pocket that says “john did it” just in case I’m murdered because I don’t want him to remarry #truelove #tips

@SomthinBoutSara

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

@Tmoney68

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

@ghostkrogh

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

@AndyAsAdjective

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

@GorillaNipples1

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

@kumailn

You think Japanese teenagers are shocked the first time they see a real live naked woman & it’s not all pixelated looking down there?

@dafloydsta

I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”

Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.