Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
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Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name