Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
You Might Also Like
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.