[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
You Might Also Like
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I’m just playing devils avocado here
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.