[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
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[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From