[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

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I want to have kids before my parents are too old to be able to take care of them.


I wrote a less creepy, and more helpful, variation of “Baby It’s Cold Outside”


Anything I accomplish before I finish my first cup of coffee has been fueled by rage.


Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!


Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?


[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.


What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”


I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.