@Reverend_Scott

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

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@TheRohiniReddy

I want to have kids before my parents are too old to be able to take care of them.

@PJTLynch

I wrote a less creepy, and more helpful, variation of “Baby It’s Cold Outside”

@mstluvstrinkets

Anything I accomplish before I finish my first cup of coffee has been fueled by rage.

@mejustbeth

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

@NYC_Blonde

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

@david8hughes

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

@TrainedHedonist

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

@bkdcasey

I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.