“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[kisses daughter goodnight]
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
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“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I’m a real Renaissance Woman (riddled with plague)
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
If spiders ever figure out how to become ghosts, we’re screwed.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM