@Reverend_Scott

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

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@HansomeHoosier

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

@Carbosly

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

@difficultpatty

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

@seancehat

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

@wittwitbarista

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

@adam_bloomquist

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

@AnkCoupleTO

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM