Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
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“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right