@CornOnTheGoblin

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

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@Tmoney68

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

@BuckyIsotope

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

@Southernwit_1

I’m beginning to think that a woman calling another woman hun or sweetie is not a term of endearment.

@lianamaeby

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

@TheDreamGhoul

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

@shegotagronk

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

@LeftOf_Normal

My therapist told me “Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them.” Did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.

@Havish_AF

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me: