Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
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Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I’m beginning to think that a woman calling another woman hun or sweetie is not a term of endearment.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
My therapist told me “Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them.” Did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
“I’m here for the blood.”
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.