[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
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I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.