[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

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My son asked me what humble means. I told him it means pretending you’re not better than everybody else.


[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.


Did you mean pacific or specific?

Cuz seriously, one is an ocean.


I love that movie about BDSM where the guy is a great kisser & ties up grown men & photographs them for money

Spider-Man, I love Spider-Man


The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.


women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”


[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume


Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?


H:-“Because you need to”

His funeral takes place next week.


I have a strict policy against dating coworkers… Well, not so much a policy as a loosely enforced suggestion, at the request of my lawyer.