@_ElvishPresley_

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

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@smithsara79

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

@smithsara79

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

@mind_numb

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

@SentenceReduced

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

@MavenofHonor

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

@paulrobalino

Girl, is your dad Louis Vuitton? Because you have such big bags under your eyes. Wait am I doing this right

@CourtneyBale

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

@seamusmckracken

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.