@_ElvishPresley_

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

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@SlabBaconBP

My son asked me what humble means. I told him it means pretending you’re not better than everybody else.

@BoomBoomBetty

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

@lilgapeach30

Did you mean pacific or specific?

Cuz seriously, one is an ocean.

@hero_ofthenight

I love that movie about BDSM where the guy is a great kisser & ties up grown men & photographs them for money

Spider-Man, I love Spider-Man

@Carbosly

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

@MNateShyamalan

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

@CrockettForReal

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

@HFromTheNam

Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?

Me:-“Why”?

H:-“Because you need to”

His funeral takes place next week.

@djdarrellripley

I have a strict policy against dating coworkers… Well, not so much a policy as a loosely enforced suggestion, at the request of my lawyer.