Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
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Her: *giggles* you hang up fir……
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Girl, is your dad Louis Vuitton? Because you have such big bags under your eyes. Wait am I doing this right
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Were there this many idiots before the Internet?