*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I was going to do the dishes but they weren’t in the mood.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.
interviewer: you’re late
me: oh for me? thanks [grabs his coffee and takes sip] but it’s pronounced “latte”
Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day.
Me: Can I leave early?
Boss: Who died?
Me: No one yet
Boss: Get out
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”