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@OctopusCaveman

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

@FlyJ_

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

@BruceForce

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

@JonasPolsky

If you ever feel stupid, just remember that every day, people are searching the internet to find out “Is the drug from LIMITLESS real?”

@JohnLyonTweets

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

@callmeEvian

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

@facciabella

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

@Swan_Corleone2

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

@MNateShyamalan

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus