Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
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ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times