Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
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My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
If you ever feel stupid, just remember that every day, people are searching the internet to find out “Is the drug from LIMITLESS real?”
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void