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@Ygrene

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

@twitdeedum

I was going to do the dishes but they weren’t in the mood.

@ch000ch

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

@AllieGoertz

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

@bourgeoisalien

Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.

@daemonic3

[job interview]

interviewer: you’re late

me: oh for me? thanks [grabs his coffee and takes sip] but it’s pronounced “latte”

@Freudianscript

Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day.

@WookieInMyPants

Me: Can I leave early?

Boss: Why?

Me: Death

Boss: Who died?

Me: No one yet

Boss:

Me:

Boss: Get out

@Wuttercuerk

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”