kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
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“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.