Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
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[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Pretty much! 😂👀
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.