Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
You Might Also Like
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
The two types of wives
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes