[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
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So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
They did not miss in the small print
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
My life in a nutshell
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something