Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

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ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.


I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory


Interviewer: how competitive are you?

Me: not very

Interviewer: neither am I

Me: nice…but I’m less competitive


Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.


One time I almost got fired because a district manager asked me how long it would take to fix someone’s inventory fuck up on the computer and i said “an hour and a half” and they went “how long would it take with my help?” And I said “3 hours”


I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?


My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it


They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!


I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.


[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?