If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
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Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I got soap in my shower beer again.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.