Knee socks are a hard look to pull off when you’re only 5’2. I don’t even have legs

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I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.


Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.


I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.


Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.


The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate


“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*


Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia


[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!


that fuzzy feeling when he puts his arm around u for the first time and then his other arm and then his other arm then u realize HE A SPIDER


I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed