When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
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I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
an octopus is just a wet spider
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17