*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
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My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.