Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
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Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.