I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
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Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
hear me out : pockets for your socks
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Growing out my freckles.
schr枚dinger: your results came back, there鈥檚 good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schr枚dinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what鈥檚 the good news?
schr枚dinger: there isn鈥檛 any now
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
No, I don鈥檛 want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it鈥檚 9.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
You know what鈥檚 worse than someone鈥檚 phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 馃檪
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You鈥檙e lucky it has seats.
Every newscast:
鈥淭his horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.