knights of the ikea table
You Might Also Like
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils