Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
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You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
the battle rages on
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
My kitchen overserved me.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”