@david8hughes

[knock at door]
Cop: open up, it’s the police
Me [doing an Estonian accent]: I’m not here
Cop: are you in Estonia?
Me: I am. I’m in Estonia

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@threetimedaddy

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

@prodigalsam

In the meantime I plan on absolutely crushing it over on LinkedIn.

@Phlegmingway

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

@sixfootcandy

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

@UnFitz

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

@GoodZiIIa

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

@scot7a

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

@RowdyBowden

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.