6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
[knock at door]
Cop: open up, it’s the police
Me [doing an Estonian accent]: I’m not here
Cop: are you in Estonia?
Me: I am. I’m in Estonia
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
In the meantime I plan on absolutely crushing it over on LinkedIn.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.