i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
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Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
put ‘er there pardner!
I wish this was real life…
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.