[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
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I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
LOL!
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
is frankincense just very honest incense?
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
he’s doing your taxes
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.