*knock at the door*
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

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Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho


8: I’m scared of monsters under my bed

Me: You should really be scared of spiders that will lay eggs in your ear

8: MOM!

Wife: ZACK!


Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.


The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.


doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared


Me: Saw your bf today


M: What’s the name of that gym next door to the gay bar?


M: Yeah, in the gay bar next to Golds


Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again


Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti


Being high in front of your parents is like trying to do your best impression of yourself.