@Fred_Delicious

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

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@capnwatsisname

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

@girlontapas

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

@BadMikeyBad

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

@ibid78

[A snowman sees a sign for a snowblower]
Oh hell yeah

@HughGoesThere

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

@Quartzjixler

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

@Jay1972Jay

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

@CornerPubRon

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

@FannyB1tch

Never pee with the door open, it totally freaks out the other motorists.