*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
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When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?