-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
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Doggies just call it style.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.