Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
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5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Software Development ⛵️
How high do the levels go?
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”