If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
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Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Green is just blue that someone peed in
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
who wore it better?
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family