knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
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don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.