Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

– Did we have snakes?

– Oh yes, thousands of em.

– I’ve never seen any sn…

– THOUSANDS!

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what