*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
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The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.