@0point5twins

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

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@cjwerleman

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

@UncleDuke1969

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”

@MikeCanRant

My suit made entirely of Hello Kitty Bandaids did not help me much at my hospital interview. Apparently you have to go to medical school.

@pilau

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

@murrman5

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

@Death_Buddy

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

@bornmiserable

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

@HrBry

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars