*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

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I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.



“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”


My suit made entirely of Hello Kitty Bandaids did not help me much at my hospital interview. Apparently you have to go to medical school.


Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop


[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened


“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*


“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.


Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars