If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
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When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home