My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
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According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I鈥檓 not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Actually, it鈥檚 illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there鈥檇 be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don鈥檛 be ridiculous
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I鈥檓 glad humans don鈥檛 do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I鈥檓 Germish.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter鈥檚 school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we鈥檝e run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
JOURNEY:
馃幎Strangers, waiting,馃幎
馃幎Up and down the boulevard馃幎
馃幎Their shadows searching in the night!馃幎ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
馃幎Streetlights,馃幎
馃幎people馃幎ME: Ah. Carry on.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don鈥檛 like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it鈥檚 the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I鈥檝e had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you鈥檙e bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Pals I鈥檓 DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it鈥檚 one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she鈥檚 got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.