@TheHyyyype

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

You Might Also Like

@caseytduncan

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

@SSwinal

if youre impressed by girls who have “legs for days” then id like to inform you that ive had legs litterally my whole life

@CubanaMama82

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

@markedly

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

@david8hughes

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

@6figures__

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

@Parentpains

“I don’t understand the value in seeing a therapist.”

– People who haven’t spent time with me yet.

@Bob_Heller

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

@MelvinofYork

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

@peytnhaag

$5 a week has been coming out of my bank for months and i only just realized i adopted a kangaroo named Poppy on New Year’s Eve while i was destroyed