[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
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Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Growing up was a huge mistake
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”