[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

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The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.


if youre impressed by girls who have “legs for days” then id like to inform you that ive had legs litterally my whole life


If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.


[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?


[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”


I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100


“I don’t understand the value in seeing a therapist.”

– People who haven’t spent time with me yet.


I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.


Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place


$5 a week has been coming out of my bank for months and i only just realized i adopted a kangaroo named Poppy on New Year’s Eve while i was destroyed