[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
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It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet