[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
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Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie