Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
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Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.