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@zoebread

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

@MrsFancyPants77

I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it’s not their fault that I’m scared of them.

I do however, scream while doing so.

@IamEnidColeslaw

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

@Rollmaninoz

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

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@salamingia

Wanna burn fat quickly and without dieting?

Here, take this gasoline and matches.

@iwearaonesie

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

@10InchesPlus

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.