@dorsalstream

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

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@BreachingBad

She : You have a girlfriend.
Me : No. I had.
She : Where did she go?
Me : She Ransomware.

@AnniemuMary

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

@SirEviscerate

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

@hippieswordfish

‘maybe the world wasn’t ready for pizza perfume’ i thought to myself as i hid in a dumpster, watching the townspeople try to eat each other

@Spaziotwat

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

@junejuly12

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.