*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
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Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.