@AdderallMomma

*knocks on donation door

Me: I have a donation
Salvation Army: Ma’am, once again… you cannot donate your man
Me: You have stupid rules!

*knocks on donation door

Me: I have a donation
Salvation Army: Ma’am, once again… you cannot donate your man
Me: You have stupid rules!

- @AdderallMomma

You Might Also Like

@Loli_Sug

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

@IvoryGazelle

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

@SteveKoehler22

When our kids were teenagers we moved;
hoping it would help with family strife.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

@MavenofHonor

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

@The_Just_Factor

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

@pilau

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

@gorrdano

I’ve replaced my friends insulin with heroin. This is the most expensive prank I’ve ever done but it’s ok, I’ll rob him when he’s dead.

@HavocMantis

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

@Howiesbookclub

Puts an “I love Daddy” shirt on my kids until they’re old enough to read.

@trevorthehuman

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.