as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
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Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
real
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
im 7 sauces long
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
be careful
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.