*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
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I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
🙅🏻
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Home is where your toilet is.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]