Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
You’re way too dumb.
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
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I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?