Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
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I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
all that yoga finally paid off
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.