NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
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I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Bruh PLEASE
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.