@iwearaonesie

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

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@SharkJelly

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

@heyitsJudeD

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

@HiddleDeeDee

People that stop in the middle of the grocery aisle are my favorite.

@Brentweets

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

@Izianikapani

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

@joeldanger

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

@MacMcCannTX

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

@alovablenerd

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.