*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

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[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo


Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*


People that stop in the middle of the grocery aisle are my favorite.


To err is human… To not know what err means is American.


Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.


My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.


Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law


[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.