*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
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Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏