How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
[knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?
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Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
Me: There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Fisheries Guy: Actually the fish population is dwindling at an alarming rate
Me: You’re not helping
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*