“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
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Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you